Some topics feel loaded as soon as they’re mentioned. Money is often one of them. You might want clarity on your financial direction as a couple, but the idea of bringing it up to your partner feels like trying not to step on a landmine. Maybe you don’t want to come off as controlling, anxious, or ignorant - or perhaps you know that the topic stresses them out and it never seems like a good time. You bounce some ideas in your head about how that conversation might go, but then never quite work up to asking the questions you want to because it feels easier just to deal with it some other time.
Most people know money affects relationships, but few realize how deep that goes. Financial disagreements are stronger predictors of divorce than any other common marital disagreements. And here’s the kicker - higher financial stress has been shown to make people lesslikely to talk about money, which can worsen problems and make it less likely that those issues ever get resolved.
Money hits hard because it touches virtually all aspects of our lives. Our personal financial experiences shape how we see money, and financial insecurity can show up as anxiety, rumination, feeling a loss of control, or a myriad of other responses. The emotional charge of money conversations often exposes communication challenges in a couple. The combination of the two is the perfect recipe for one or both partners to become defensive, avoidant, or critical, leading to significant strain on the relationship.
The good news is that money doesn’t have to feel like a wedge between partners. With the right conversations, anyone can learn to navigate financial conversations more confidently, compassionately, and collaboratively.
To make money conversations more constructive, we first want to start by understanding your own money story so that you can recognize your triggers and communicate more clearly. Next, create intentional space for calm, compassionate discussions, focusing first on understanding before problem-solving. Then, work together to build a financial system that reflects both of your values and comfort levels. And if the conversations keep stalling or feel overwhelming, bringing in professional su can offer helpful structure and support. Let’s break it down:
Understand Your Own Money Story
Each individual has their own unique money story, which often begins in childhood and is influenced by the events in our lives. Did you grow up watching your parents fight about bills because money was always scarce? Or perhaps, was money used as a way to show status or affection? Or maybe – money was never discussed at all.
Those past experiences shape how we view everything about our finances. It can show up in a variety of ways, such as anxiety or avoidance, a need for control, guilt around spending, fears around not having enough or making a mistake, and more. Do I feel excitement opening my account statements – or is it a pit in my stomach? Maybe, I can’t bring myself to open them at all. The first step is taking the time to learn about your own unique experiences and beliefs that shape how you have come to view money. You can’t communicate clearly or make grounded financial decisions if you don’t know what’s driving your actions and reactions.
Take the time to define what money really means to you. Is it freedom? Security? Opportunity?
Create Space for Open and Compassionate Discussions
When two people come together, they bring two completely different money stories with them. No wonder there are misunderstandings and disagreements about how finances should be handled! It’s extremely rare to find a couple that is always completely on the same page. Money is deeply personal, and understanding that can help prevent even simple money questions from feeling like an interrogation or personal criticism.
Once each partner has a sense for where their own money story comes from, we can learn how to talk about finances in a way that feels safe and productive. The goal here is to lead with curiosity – there’s no “right” way to view money, and each partner needs to feel safe in discussing their needs to feel financially secure. Assuming good intentions will go a long way - remember, you’re on the same team!
Avoidance is extremely common simply due to the discomfort of bringing up financial topics. Talking about money can often trigger feelings around security, pride, self-worth, scarcity, fear, and more, so it’s important to take these discussions at a pace that feels comfortable for both sides. Take things slow. It can often take several conversations to achieve an understanding that helps keep the ball moving forward. Putting it off might feel more comfortable now, but unspoken expectations lead to resentment, which is where financial disagreements can really become a recipe for strain on the relationship.
Build a Financial System That Works for Both of You
One of the most common questions we get from couples is “Should we combine our finances?” Unfortunately, there’s no one right answer or system for this question. A truly successful system explores and incorporates each person’s views on money and a shared vision for how financial goals will be achieved. Some couples thrive with fully combined accounts, while others prefer to keep everything mostly separate. Most good systems actually land somewhere in the middle.
The best plan creates trust by considering the couple’s shared goals, emotional comfort, needs for transparency, fair (but not always equal) contribution, and boundaries that allow each partner to feel confident in their system.
Does seeing every little transaction trigger anxiety? That points to the need for a system that allows some personal discretion in spending while still supporting the bigger picture. Does one partner earn significantly more than the other? Your system may need to be more flexible to account for what each partner can realistically bring to the household’s finances without causing undue stress or resentment, instead of insisting on a 50/50 split. Does one partner love tracking and managing money, while the other feels overwhelmed? Deciding on how to communicate and divide responsibilities can help to make sure one person’s view doesn’t dominate.
When to Involve a Professional
Even couples with great communication can hit emotional roadblocks around money. That’s completely normal and even to be expected, since the problem isn’t necessarily the numbers – it’s the feelings behind them. Having a neutral third party can help to untangle some of those emotional triggers and structure conversations in a supportive manner. They will help to build a financial plan that feels fair and clear to both sides, and just as importantly, reduce tension by creating your roadmap as a team.
You don’t need a crisis to ask for support! When done correctly, investing in these conversations upfront are a wonderful opportunity to build trust, strengthen bonds, and help you to move forward with confidence and clarity.
Curious to see what that might look like? Amy, Chris, and the rest of the team are here to help guide you through it.
Schedule a time and start building a plan that feels good for both of you.